Forgiveness and Comfort
Education
"EDUCATION" pages are full of thought-provoking information designed to appeal to all of your rational, thinking brain. These pages are primarily for learning, as opposed to some other types of Comfort.Guide pages which are written more for motivation and consolation. Let these teachings help guide you to the truth that you are noticed, loved and cared for, even though you might not always feel so!
“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than it is on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His.” – Corrie Ten Boom
FORGIVENESS AND MEMORY
It is commonly understood that to heal from the emotional trauma of past hurt one must learn to forgive the offender. Forgiveness is important spiritually as well as physically. Research has shown that the act of forgiveness has immediate positive health effects on the body including lowered heart rate and blood pressure. Long term, an inability to forgive has been associated with diabetes, heart disease, and hypertension, to name just a few. People tend to believe that forgiveness happens when the painful emotions subside, but feelings are a poor barometer of forgiveness. As Corrie Ten Boom has said, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” (Be sure to read Corrie Ten Boom's Personal Story in the previous reading!)
If we could erase the memory and associated pain, forgiveness would be relatively easy. Forgiveness researchers have found that the memory of the harm done, not the actual harm, perpetuates the ongoing emotional pain. Each time the memory is recalled, the painful emotions are activated. Anger, pain, and distress catapult the central nervous system into a fight or flight response. This emotional response is harmful to the body if it continues for an extended period. Also, if the pain in not properly mourned and released, legitimate painful emotions can crystallize into an attitude of mind marked by blame, accusation, and bitterness. While this is a normal, human response to pain, it is also physically and spiritually dangerous. In Christ, we have a way out of this downward cycle.
BETRAYAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA
Interpersonal betrayal strikes at the heart of our greatest needs. Emotional trauma can result in problems with emotional dys-regulation alternating with emotional numbing and other serious symptoms. This discussion is dealing primarily with forgiveness, not acute emotional trauma or long-term traumatization. Psychological trauma is real and requires different tools such as stabilizing the situation, identifying the losses, healing the sense of self, finding meaning, and repairing the broken bond. Forgiveness is one important step in the healing process.
THE HABIT BRAIN
Forgiveness is fundamentally an act of the will with feelings trailing behind about a hundred miles or so. Part of the reason lies in the fact that our brains are inclined to develop particular habits. Habits are formed through repetition and focused attention. For example, a dedicated pianist sits at the piano and practices for hours. As she practices, the area in the brain dedicated to moving the fingers, a narrow strip on the motor cortex, starts to physically expand. This is called cortical reorganization. Going a little deeper into the brain, new and stronger synaptic connections are being forged. Synapses are points of contact where communication occurs between neurons (brain cells). The greater the number of synaptic connections, the stronger the relationship between the neurons. The stronger the connection, the better the pianist will be at playing the piano. Focus and repetition forge new abilities, or habits, in the physical and chemical structure of the brain.
This principle applies to thoughts and emotions as well. A thought is simply a unique combination of neurons that fire in a distinct pattern. Each time Barbara recalls the wrong that was done to her and feels the associated painful emotions, she is creating a thought habit in her brain. Each time she has the painful thought, the same neuronal pattern fires in the brain. Thus, the memory of the betrayal is repeatedly paired with the associated feelings of pain, stress, and hurt.
This principle is also known as Hebb’s Law, a law of neuroscience that explains how a habit is formed. This law states that “neurons that fire together wire together.” Consider that all American morning coffee ritual. When morning is paired with coffee, over and over, it becomes difficult to go through a morning without that cup of coffee. The reason is because the neurons that identify that it is morning are tightly wired together with the neurons that desire a cup of coffee. Once neurons are wired together, one group that fires will always cause the other group to fire. Practice makes permanent. Thus, recalling the memory becomes a habit each time we give our attention to it. The memory is also attached to the painful emotions creating a sensitive thought/emotion habit.
THOUGHT HABITS AND CORE BELIEFS
Thought habits are important because they crystallize into core beliefs. Holding onto an offense, or offenses, will often lead to negative beliefs and expectations. Our beliefs determine what we perceive about the world, so this is very important. The old saying, “Seeing is believing” is actually inaccurate. According to cognitive psychology (i.e., the study of how people think and perceive), our beliefs dictate how we interpret the world around us, not the other way around (Goldman, 2005). This is due to the fact that the human brain constantly scans for “patterns” or evidence that supports our beliefs, and completely overlooks evidence to the contrary. The human brain is a heavily biased organ. We will always find evidence to support our beliefs, even when it does not exist. We also overlook evidence to the contrary, even when it is right in front of our eyes.
These patterns are designed to protect us from harm; the quicker we can detect harm, the faster we can react to protect ourselves. But this hyper vigilance can work against us. Consider a common mis-belief that grows in the soil of an offended heart: “People only care about themselves. No one cares about me.” Using this belief, the brain goes on high alert to search for this pattern. This mis-belief, that no one really cares about anyone else, causes the brain to misinterpret the thoughts and intentions of others. For example, a distracted friend may fail to notice us when we share a problem. Our brains, expecting that others will not really care, quickly notes the familiar “pattern” (i.e., no one cares), and concludes that the friend is selfish and uncaring. This is a misinterpretation, but the brain thinks it has found more evidence which in turn strengthens the mis-belief.
What’s worse is that each time we mull over how uncaring people can be, the brain pattern is also strengthened. A disinterested look, a delayed phone call, an unintentional interruption all become evidence that others are uncaring. The stronger the mis-belief, the more sensitive we become. (These cues are also called triggers as they will also create a negative emotional reaction. In psychological trauma, this reaction is extreme and hard to regulate.) This becomes a pattern that the brain quickly detects because the brain is designed to see what it has always seen, and to know what it has always known (Goleman, 2005). This is exactly why it is very challenging to change another’s point of view or opinion.
This sensitivity is the reason why the pattern in seen even when it does not exist. Anything remotely resembling this belief will fire the neurons, tricking the brain into believing it has seen something that is not there. In fact, triggers are detected in nanoseconds by the unconscious brain, causing an emotional reaction before the conscious mind even knows what happened! The more severe the trauma, the faster this reaction happens, and the more intense it is. The more unresolved pain, hurt, and offense that we harbor in our hearts, the greater our tendency to misinterpret the actions of others. The way out is to heal from the pain and release the offender. This resolution and healing opens the mind to adopt new beliefs about the world and others. New expectations lead to new interpretations. New interpretations lead to new reactions. We see what we believe, so this healing process is very important for our emotional health and interpersonal relationships.
Jesus spoke of this when he said, “The eye is the lamp of your body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22)
The eye is the instrument through which we see and perceive the world. One Bible commentator explains it this way: “Our eyes are the entrance to our hearts and minds and, as such, they provide a doorway to our very souls. By “good eyes” He meant eyes that not only see well, but also perceive well. It is how we perceive that makes the difference. Bad eyes lead to bad perception, but if our eyes our good, our whole person will be illuminated.” Thus, we must guard what we believe and how we perceive. Granting forgiveness cleanses the heart and mind, and is good for your health. (http://www.gotquestions.org/eye-lamp-body.html)
THE FORGIVING MINDSET
True forgiveness involves, not only naming and grieving losses, but choosing to release the offender. This pertains to an attitude of the mind more than a feeling of the heart. It means making a choice to cease accusing, blaming, and ruminating over the ways in which you have been wronged. Researchers have compared the brains of people who forgive with those who are unable to forgive and found a few key differences. The forgivers show activity in the area of the brain associated with compassion, understanding, and empathy. On the other hand, individuals who did not forgive show activity in an area of the brain associated with judgment and distinguishing right and wrong. This research suggests that forgiveness flows from a perception shift. As long as the unforgiving folk viewed their offenders through the lens of right or wrong, they were unable to release them of blame.
Can we find this principle in Scripture? In the midst of unfathomable suffering, betrayal by his closest companions, Jesus cries out, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” In this stunning statement of forgiveness, Jesus seems to view his murderers as somehow ignorant, unknowing. Certainly the people who called for His crucifixion understood what they were doing. They chanted, “Crucify Him! Crucify Him! The people knew, but they did not understand. To understand is to have wisdom. The hardness of their hearts blinded them to the fact that they were killing their only hope, their Savior. They knew, but they did not understand. Jesus understands this and cries out to God to grant forgiveness to his enemies, the very ones that he was dying to save.
We too are guilty of lacking understanding, and Jesus cries out for our forgiveness. The humble recognition of our own need of God’s mercy is the mental shift that aids us in forgiving our own offenders. Corrie Ten Boom was finally able to forgive the Nazi officer who arrested her family (which led to their deaths), when she saw that she too was guilty of murder. “For I realized I too was guilty of murder, for I had hatred in my heart for Jan (the Nazi Officer).” This is astounding! Seeing her own sin humbled her and enabled her to grant what God had granted her, mercy.
This kind of mercy does not come naturally, it is impossible. The command to forgive exposes our need of God and makes us dependent upon Him alone. We can only cry out, “Lord, do that which I cannot do! In my weakness, You are strong.” Forgiveness from the heart comes through the One who has first forgiven us, and lives in us. Mercy and forgiveness flows like a river from that well of life that lives inside of us, Christ’s very life.
This article written by Michelle Rogers, LCMH, Sarasota, FL. For access to references in this article refer to the "Credits" tab on the tool bar.
Click HERE to return to "Week 12 Outline".
Click HERE to go to "Weeks 13 & 14 - Bridge".
Click HERE to go to "Week 13 Outline".
Education
"EDUCATION" pages are full of thought-provoking information designed to appeal to all of your rational, thinking brain. These pages are primarily for learning, as opposed to some other types of Comfort.Guide pages which are written more for motivation and consolation. Let these teachings help guide you to the truth that you are noticed, loved and cared for, even though you might not always feel so!
“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than it is on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His.” – Corrie Ten Boom
FORGIVENESS AND MEMORY
It is commonly understood that to heal from the emotional trauma of past hurt one must learn to forgive the offender. Forgiveness is important spiritually as well as physically. Research has shown that the act of forgiveness has immediate positive health effects on the body including lowered heart rate and blood pressure. Long term, an inability to forgive has been associated with diabetes, heart disease, and hypertension, to name just a few. People tend to believe that forgiveness happens when the painful emotions subside, but feelings are a poor barometer of forgiveness. As Corrie Ten Boom has said, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” (Be sure to read Corrie Ten Boom's Personal Story in the previous reading!)
If we could erase the memory and associated pain, forgiveness would be relatively easy. Forgiveness researchers have found that the memory of the harm done, not the actual harm, perpetuates the ongoing emotional pain. Each time the memory is recalled, the painful emotions are activated. Anger, pain, and distress catapult the central nervous system into a fight or flight response. This emotional response is harmful to the body if it continues for an extended period. Also, if the pain in not properly mourned and released, legitimate painful emotions can crystallize into an attitude of mind marked by blame, accusation, and bitterness. While this is a normal, human response to pain, it is also physically and spiritually dangerous. In Christ, we have a way out of this downward cycle.
BETRAYAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA
Interpersonal betrayal strikes at the heart of our greatest needs. Emotional trauma can result in problems with emotional dys-regulation alternating with emotional numbing and other serious symptoms. This discussion is dealing primarily with forgiveness, not acute emotional trauma or long-term traumatization. Psychological trauma is real and requires different tools such as stabilizing the situation, identifying the losses, healing the sense of self, finding meaning, and repairing the broken bond. Forgiveness is one important step in the healing process.
THE HABIT BRAIN
Forgiveness is fundamentally an act of the will with feelings trailing behind about a hundred miles or so. Part of the reason lies in the fact that our brains are inclined to develop particular habits. Habits are formed through repetition and focused attention. For example, a dedicated pianist sits at the piano and practices for hours. As she practices, the area in the brain dedicated to moving the fingers, a narrow strip on the motor cortex, starts to physically expand. This is called cortical reorganization. Going a little deeper into the brain, new and stronger synaptic connections are being forged. Synapses are points of contact where communication occurs between neurons (brain cells). The greater the number of synaptic connections, the stronger the relationship between the neurons. The stronger the connection, the better the pianist will be at playing the piano. Focus and repetition forge new abilities, or habits, in the physical and chemical structure of the brain.
This principle applies to thoughts and emotions as well. A thought is simply a unique combination of neurons that fire in a distinct pattern. Each time Barbara recalls the wrong that was done to her and feels the associated painful emotions, she is creating a thought habit in her brain. Each time she has the painful thought, the same neuronal pattern fires in the brain. Thus, the memory of the betrayal is repeatedly paired with the associated feelings of pain, stress, and hurt.
This principle is also known as Hebb’s Law, a law of neuroscience that explains how a habit is formed. This law states that “neurons that fire together wire together.” Consider that all American morning coffee ritual. When morning is paired with coffee, over and over, it becomes difficult to go through a morning without that cup of coffee. The reason is because the neurons that identify that it is morning are tightly wired together with the neurons that desire a cup of coffee. Once neurons are wired together, one group that fires will always cause the other group to fire. Practice makes permanent. Thus, recalling the memory becomes a habit each time we give our attention to it. The memory is also attached to the painful emotions creating a sensitive thought/emotion habit.
THOUGHT HABITS AND CORE BELIEFS
Thought habits are important because they crystallize into core beliefs. Holding onto an offense, or offenses, will often lead to negative beliefs and expectations. Our beliefs determine what we perceive about the world, so this is very important. The old saying, “Seeing is believing” is actually inaccurate. According to cognitive psychology (i.e., the study of how people think and perceive), our beliefs dictate how we interpret the world around us, not the other way around (Goldman, 2005). This is due to the fact that the human brain constantly scans for “patterns” or evidence that supports our beliefs, and completely overlooks evidence to the contrary. The human brain is a heavily biased organ. We will always find evidence to support our beliefs, even when it does not exist. We also overlook evidence to the contrary, even when it is right in front of our eyes.
These patterns are designed to protect us from harm; the quicker we can detect harm, the faster we can react to protect ourselves. But this hyper vigilance can work against us. Consider a common mis-belief that grows in the soil of an offended heart: “People only care about themselves. No one cares about me.” Using this belief, the brain goes on high alert to search for this pattern. This mis-belief, that no one really cares about anyone else, causes the brain to misinterpret the thoughts and intentions of others. For example, a distracted friend may fail to notice us when we share a problem. Our brains, expecting that others will not really care, quickly notes the familiar “pattern” (i.e., no one cares), and concludes that the friend is selfish and uncaring. This is a misinterpretation, but the brain thinks it has found more evidence which in turn strengthens the mis-belief.
What’s worse is that each time we mull over how uncaring people can be, the brain pattern is also strengthened. A disinterested look, a delayed phone call, an unintentional interruption all become evidence that others are uncaring. The stronger the mis-belief, the more sensitive we become. (These cues are also called triggers as they will also create a negative emotional reaction. In psychological trauma, this reaction is extreme and hard to regulate.) This becomes a pattern that the brain quickly detects because the brain is designed to see what it has always seen, and to know what it has always known (Goleman, 2005). This is exactly why it is very challenging to change another’s point of view or opinion.
This sensitivity is the reason why the pattern in seen even when it does not exist. Anything remotely resembling this belief will fire the neurons, tricking the brain into believing it has seen something that is not there. In fact, triggers are detected in nanoseconds by the unconscious brain, causing an emotional reaction before the conscious mind even knows what happened! The more severe the trauma, the faster this reaction happens, and the more intense it is. The more unresolved pain, hurt, and offense that we harbor in our hearts, the greater our tendency to misinterpret the actions of others. The way out is to heal from the pain and release the offender. This resolution and healing opens the mind to adopt new beliefs about the world and others. New expectations lead to new interpretations. New interpretations lead to new reactions. We see what we believe, so this healing process is very important for our emotional health and interpersonal relationships.
Jesus spoke of this when he said, “The eye is the lamp of your body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.” (Matthew 6:22)
The eye is the instrument through which we see and perceive the world. One Bible commentator explains it this way: “Our eyes are the entrance to our hearts and minds and, as such, they provide a doorway to our very souls. By “good eyes” He meant eyes that not only see well, but also perceive well. It is how we perceive that makes the difference. Bad eyes lead to bad perception, but if our eyes our good, our whole person will be illuminated.” Thus, we must guard what we believe and how we perceive. Granting forgiveness cleanses the heart and mind, and is good for your health. (http://www.gotquestions.org/eye-lamp-body.html)
THE FORGIVING MINDSET
True forgiveness involves, not only naming and grieving losses, but choosing to release the offender. This pertains to an attitude of the mind more than a feeling of the heart. It means making a choice to cease accusing, blaming, and ruminating over the ways in which you have been wronged. Researchers have compared the brains of people who forgive with those who are unable to forgive and found a few key differences. The forgivers show activity in the area of the brain associated with compassion, understanding, and empathy. On the other hand, individuals who did not forgive show activity in an area of the brain associated with judgment and distinguishing right and wrong. This research suggests that forgiveness flows from a perception shift. As long as the unforgiving folk viewed their offenders through the lens of right or wrong, they were unable to release them of blame.
Can we find this principle in Scripture? In the midst of unfathomable suffering, betrayal by his closest companions, Jesus cries out, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” In this stunning statement of forgiveness, Jesus seems to view his murderers as somehow ignorant, unknowing. Certainly the people who called for His crucifixion understood what they were doing. They chanted, “Crucify Him! Crucify Him! The people knew, but they did not understand. To understand is to have wisdom. The hardness of their hearts blinded them to the fact that they were killing their only hope, their Savior. They knew, but they did not understand. Jesus understands this and cries out to God to grant forgiveness to his enemies, the very ones that he was dying to save.
We too are guilty of lacking understanding, and Jesus cries out for our forgiveness. The humble recognition of our own need of God’s mercy is the mental shift that aids us in forgiving our own offenders. Corrie Ten Boom was finally able to forgive the Nazi officer who arrested her family (which led to their deaths), when she saw that she too was guilty of murder. “For I realized I too was guilty of murder, for I had hatred in my heart for Jan (the Nazi Officer).” This is astounding! Seeing her own sin humbled her and enabled her to grant what God had granted her, mercy.
This kind of mercy does not come naturally, it is impossible. The command to forgive exposes our need of God and makes us dependent upon Him alone. We can only cry out, “Lord, do that which I cannot do! In my weakness, You are strong.” Forgiveness from the heart comes through the One who has first forgiven us, and lives in us. Mercy and forgiveness flows like a river from that well of life that lives inside of us, Christ’s very life.
This article written by Michelle Rogers, LCMH, Sarasota, FL. For access to references in this article refer to the "Credits" tab on the tool bar.
Click HERE to return to "Week 12 Outline".
Click HERE to go to "Weeks 13 & 14 - Bridge".
Click HERE to go to "Week 13 Outline".